


Frank Kicks the Bucket

by InsanityRule



Series: It's Always Sunny Script Fics [4]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Homophobia, M/M, Mac and Dennis being Mac and Dennis, Mental Illness, Mostly rating from their terrible language, Nothing new to see there, Screenplay/Script Format, non-graphic reference to vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-12
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-03-12 03:19:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3341612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsanityRule/pseuds/InsanityRule
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Frank dies each member of the gang handles the news a little bit differently. Everything turns out perfect in the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

[11:51 am]  
[On a Wednesday]  
[Philadelphia Pennsylvania]

[Paddy’s Pub. Mac Dee and Dennis are at the bar.]  
Dee: Goddamnit. Where the hell is Charlie? [She’s doing a piss-poor job of wiping down the bar.]  
Mac: Maybe he overhuffed last night. He’s been hitting the glue hard.  
Dennis: I wouldn’t be surprised if one day Frank came waddling in here and told us Charlie’s dead. Mauled by cats, fell off the fire escape. [He shrugs.]  
Mac: That’s kinda harsh dude.  
Dennis: Well the truth is harsh sometimes Mac. [Door dingles.] Well look who drug himself out of bed.  
[Charlie is in his pajamas. No shoes. He stumbles to the bar.]  
Mac: Charlie you look like shit. [His nose wrinkles.] Ugh, did you crawl through the sewers to get here? [Charlie twitches and mumbles.] You okay dude?  
Charlie: I’m… [More mumbling.] Cat Hat… [Complete nonsense.]  
Dee: Jesus Charlie are you high already? [Charlie shakes his head no. He’s trembling.]  
Dennis: Maybe Frank knows.  
Mac: Yeah? [Hand to Charlie’s shoulder.] When’s Frank coming in dude?  
[Charlie starts a single super long scream/whine.]  
[Various levels of shock. Mac assumes a fighting stance. Dee drops a bottle and it breaks. Dennis takes a couple steps back.]  
Mac: What is it? Where’s the threat!? [Fake bullshit karate.] I’ll take ‘em down just say the word!  
Dee: [Slaps Charlie.] Calm your ass down! [Louder whine.] What the hell is his problem?

[Frank Kicks the Bucket]  
[Theme music]

[Back office at Paddy’s. Charlie is attempting to crawl into the air vent. Mac and Dee have his legs. Dennis ‘supervises’.]  
Mac: Charlie no! No bad room!  
Charlie: Lemme go lemme go! [Kicking, hits Dee in the face. She drops his leg.] Mac let go!  
Dennis: [Ignoring Dee’s pain.] Just tell us what’s going on Charlie.  
Dee: Goddamnit I think he broke my nose!  
Dennis: Shut up Dee. Can’t you see Charlie’s hurting? [Dee shrieks and storms out to deal with her bleeding nose.]  
[Mac gets Charlie back away from the vent. He stands behind Charlie and pulls him up. Charlie’s arms are crossed with Mac holding Charlie’s wrists.]  
Mac: Chill out dude. [Charlie’s panting and gross crying.] Jesus Charlie what the hell’s the matter?  
Dennis: If I had to guess now it’s the clearly sexual physical position you’ve put him in. Please tell me you’re not hard right now. [Mac is silent. And also hard.] Jesus Christ Mac.  
Mac: It’s the adrenaline!  
Dee: [Returns with toilet paper in her nose. Charlie worms free of Mac and flattens into a corner.] Jesus Mac are you hard?  
Mac: It’s adrenaline!  
Dee: Yeah from Charlie squirming in your arms. For God’s sake Mac he’s crying! Does that turn you on too?  
Mac: Shut up Dee! You don’t know the first thing about adrenaboners!  
Dennis: As much as I hate to say it she has a point Mac.  
Mac: No! No! Look, it’s already going down-!  
Dennis: No one wants to look Mac! That’s the whole point! I’m sure Charlie- hey!  
[Charlie is trying to get in the vent again. Mac grabs him, boner be damned.]  
Charlie: Just for a day man! C’mon!  
Dee: Charlie what the hell is the matter with you?  
Charlie: Frank’s dead! [He worms free and curls up at Mac’s feet.]  
Dee: What? How?  
Dennis: I think we all know how. The man was living like a teenager! Obviously it all snuck up on him.  
Mac: You’re sure he’s dead, dude? He could be faking.  
Dennis: He would do that.  
Charlie: No, see, I thought so too! So, he shit the bed again-  
Dee: Not this again.  
Charlie: But I didn’t think anything was wrong! And then I got up to make breakfast but it was way later than normal. Frank’s the one that wakes me up.  
Dennis: Explains why you were here so late today.  
Charlie: Shut up shut up! [He smacks at Dennis from the floor.] I shook Frank and he didn’t wake up, and he totally threw up overnight and he had no beaty thing-  
Dennis: A heartbeat. Do you know how to check for that?  
Charlie: [Getting frantic, never stopped talking.] -breathing and he’s all stiff and [Starts screaming again.]  
Dee: Goddamnit Frank.  
Dennis: [Kneels in front of Charlie. Grabs his shoulders.] Listen here, Charlie. [Charlie sniffs. Snot is on his face.] You’re listening? [Charlie nods.] Great. Do you know what Frank dying means?  
Charlie: No...?  
Dennis: It means we need his will. [Dee exclaims ‘oh my God Dennis’ which he talks over.] And he had you hide it for him again right? [Charlie nods.] It’s in your bad room, isn’t it. Now, I… We need to get that will for Frank. He’d want to know his wishes were followed.  
Charlie: Like his viking funeral?  
Dennis: As long as it’s in the will. [Mac and Dee protest.] But we won’t know until you get the will for us. Can you do that little buddy? He might’ve even left you something.  
Charlie: Yeah, yeah okay. [He crawls into the vents.]  
Dee: Really Dennis?  
Dennis: What? [Dusting himself off.]  
Dee: Why would you do that to Charlie? What if Frank’s really dead?  
Dennis: All the more reason to get the will. Do you want to crawl in the air vent?  
Dee: Well, no Dennis, but you couldn’t give him five minutes? Also, you do know he’s not going to come back out, right?  
[All look to the vent. Camera view from inside towards the gang.]  
Dennis: Shit.


	2. Chapter 2

[Charlie’s apartment building.]

Mac: I don’t see why we’re doing this.  
Dennis: It’s very simple Mac. We have before us two options. In one instance Frank is alive and being his usual horrible self. In the other instance he is in fact dead and something needs to be done to ensure his will is honored in case he actually left something for us.  
Dee: And if Frank’s dead in there for too long Charlie’ll have to move in with somebody.  
Mac & Dennis: Not it.  
Dee: Goddamnit you guys!  
Mac: It’s just you and that cat Dee.  
Dee: It’s a one bedroom apartment!  
Dennis: Guys, guys. Relax. Frank’s probably laughing his ass off right now. [The building is as gross as ever. A bum is asleep in the hallway.]  
Mac: This is still a shithole.  
Dennis: What did you expect?  
Mac: [Thinks.] Good point.  
Dennis: [Unlocks the door.] Jesus.  
[The smell of death washes over them. Faces gag in kind.]  
Dee: Oh, oh God. That’s a dead body smell.  
Dennis: No, no it’s just… [All three round the bed to stand in front of Frank.] Shit he is dead.  
Mac: [Freaking out.] What do we do!? [Fights the air. He bolts out to the hall followed by Dee and Dennis.]  
Dee: What do you mean you dickhole? We call 911.  
Mac: But he’s already dead!  
Dennis: Yes, a man matching Frank’s description is dead.  
Dee: Are you fucking kidding me? That’s Frank Dennis. How many people look like that?  
Dennis: I’ll believe it when no other option is possible.  
Dee: Goddamnit. Fine. [Calls 911.] You’re such a dumbass Dennis.

[Charlie’s bad room. Charlie is holding a manilla envelope with WIL on the front. He’s kicking at the wall and cuts his foot on the wires.]

[Bar back office. Dee is in knee pads and a helmet.]  
Dee: Why am I going in?  
Dennis: Well Dee, your bony bird body fits and I refuse to crawl around for Frank.  
Mac: And I need to guard the other exit from Charlie’s bad room.  
Dee: Okay but I want a rag. It’s gross in there and Charlie’s been dripping gross snot all over himself.  
Dennis: Crying does make the average human look gross and unsightly, thankfully I look like the statue of David in a rainstorm.  
Dee: You’re full of shit Dennis.

[Charlie’s bad room.]  
[He can hear someone in the vents.]  
[One hour passes.]  
[Dee falls into the center of the bad room. Her hair is a mess and she’s sweaty and dirty.]  
Dee: Goddamnit Charlie. Why through the vents? [Charlie shrugs.] Is that the will? [Dee gets closer. See’s the blood.] Woah. Charlie you’re bleeding a bit there, right there on… you probably know.  
Charlie: So?  
Dee: So, you know what, later. Not in this gross room. C’mon Charlie, what do you say? We’ll get a beer and some cheese or something.  
[Charlie nods. Snorts. Goes to wipe his nose on the envelope. Dee stops him.]  
Dee: Gross Charlie. Here. [Offers him the rag. He stares at it. She groans and starts wiping his face like he’s a five year old, struggles and all.] Jesus Christ Charlie you’re almost forty years old. [He stops fighting.] Finally. Blow. [He stares.] C’mon Charlie. [He blows, Dee gags when snot gets on her hand.]  
Charlie: Man, that’s better. Thanks Dee. You’d make an okay mom.  
Dee: [Touched.] Well thanks Charlie.  
[He forces her into a hug and she gags from the smell.]

[Meanwhile.]  
[Bar office.]  
Mac: [Impatiently tapping his feet.] It’s taking too long Dennis.  
Dennis: Charlie is the only one that really knows the vents.  
Mac: [Tapping.] Do you think the cops are gonna come by?  
Dennis: Doubt it. And it’s probably not even Frank. Fingerprints should clear this right up.  
Mac. Jesus Dennis that was Frank. He’s probably burning in Hell for his transgressions.  
Dennis: Well I won’t be the one fooled when he shows up tomorrow.  
[Mac shakes his head. Some thumping from a vent comes from the ceiling. Dee and Charlie crawl out of the vent.]  
Dee: Got him boners. Some help you were.  
Dennis: The will? [Dee hands over the envelope.] I’ll go bring this to a lawyer.  
Dee: Oh no you don’t. You’re not forging any changes. We’re all going after a shower. [Takes the will back.] Charlie, go into the vent if they try to take it.  
[Charlie feigns jumping back into the vent. Dennis and Mac are slowly trying to approach. Fade.]

[The will is on Dee’s coffee table, taken out of the envelope. The shower is running.]

[Charlie’s legs are dangling out of the vent.]

[Later.]  
[Dee returns. Charlie’s watching Dennis and Mac approach him from the vent.]  
Dee: Let’s go boners. [Holds up the will.]  
Dennis: How did you get that?  
Dee: Had it before I even left to shower. Dumb dumb.  
Dennis: Fine. [Charlie emerges.] Did you know she had it Charlie?  
Charlie: Oh, yeah. Totally. [Doubtful.]


	3. Chapter 3

[Lawyer’s office. Frank’s attorney.]  
Dee: This is the place.  
Dennis: Isn’t this the guy that told us mom gave our money to Bruce?  
Dee: Yeah but you know Frank. He’s probably been burying money for years.  
[Inside at the receptionist desk.]  
Dee: Hey, so this will needs to be read. My father died this morning.  
Receptionist: I’m sorry for your loss. [Takes the will.] I’ll get this to his lawyer and he’ll set up an appointment with you. Can I have a phone number to reach?  
Dee: Sure, yeah. [Gives the bar’s number.]  
Receptionist: We’re all done. His lawyer should call soon.  
Dee: Wait that’s it?  
Dennis: That was too easy. There must be something else required.  
Dee: Like his name?  
Dennis: Well, no, see that’s on his will. I think proof of his death is what we really need.  
Dee: Oh my God Dennis we saw him in person.  
[They continue arguing. Charlie gets a phonecall. 5 seconds after answering he throws the phone against the wall and starts screaming.]  
Dee: Charlie? [He’s agitated. Eyes closed. Shaking and crying.] Jesus Charlie stop! [She slams a hand on his mouth.] [His eyes open. He takes one breath and passes out.] Well shit.  
Receptionist: Is he okay?  
Mac: Yeah he probably just hit his head.  
Dennis: It’ll all be fine once Frank reveals this is all a big ruse.  
Dee: [Rolls her eyes.] Wakey wakey Charlie. [Shakes his shoulder.] He’s out. Dennis?  
Dennis: Yep, me and Dee have his head, Mac you get the legs.  
Mac: No problem. Unlike you pussies I don’t need help.  
Dee: Yeah no, see me and Dennis both know you well, and we don’t want you dropping Charlie on his head and damaging the few brain cells he has left.  
Dennis: Especially with your lack of concern with him already hitting his head today.  
Mac: I wouldn’t drop him! You probably will with your weak bird arms!  
Dennis: I’m sorry Mac but I have to side with Dee on this. You have absolutely no core strength.  
Mac: I do too! And I have crazy strong arms! [Flexes.]  
Dennis: Yes but lifting isn’t just your arms. You have to lift with-  
Mac: Your back. I know.  
Dennis: It’s your legs, Mac. This cements my belief that you’re on leg duty.  
Mac: I’m strong! I have a “core”! I’ll prove it!  
Dennis: Okay, fine. Get down like you’re doing a pushup. [Mac does.] Now hold that position.  
Mac: That’s it? [His stomach is shaking and he’s already sweaty.] This is easy.  
Dennis: For God’s sake Mac it’s been ten seconds. [Mac falls.] Pitiful.  
[The receptionist looks on helplessly.]

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Next morning.]  
[Charlie is slumped over the bar. Dee caught him sleeping in the back office this morning.]  
Dee: You could’ve slept on someone’s couch Charlie.  
Charlie: Naw the office is fine.  
Dennis: Yes but we’ve told you no more sleeping in the bar.  
[A cop enters the bar. Mac assumes a bullshit fighting stance.]  
Dennis: For God’s sake Mac it’s a real cop.  
Mac: [Ocular patdown.] He has a gun.  
Dee: No shit genius.  
Dennis: [Gets up.] Can I help you?  
Cop: Any of you know a Frank Reynolds?  
Dennis: Yes he’s my father.  
Cop: You’re his emergency contact?  
Dennis: Maybe, well, sure. Probably.  
Cop: A [Looks at a note.] Charlie Kelly?  
Dee: [Shakes her head and points to Charlie.] This guy right here.  
Cop: Mr. Kelly. [Charlie looks up.] Could you come down to the hospital right now?  
Dee: Mac. Pillow.  
[Charlie starts screaming into the pillow Mac shoves into his face.]  
Dennis: How about we go with him.

[Doctor’s office at the hospital.]  
[Charlie still has the pillow.]  
Doctor: Your father’s file had a request to skip autopsy in case of death. Which isn’t unusual. We also compared his fingerprints, which is less usual. [Dennis nods, approving.] We are very sorry for your loss. Frank likely died very peacefully.  
[Charlie’s hugging the pillow. Dennis glances over, looking like he’ll take the pillow from him. He’s losing his stony facade.]  
Dennis: Can we see him?

[Hospital morgue.]  
[Dennis is far across the room.]  
Dee: Will you just get over here.  
Dennis: I’m not standing close when he pops up to scare us.  
Dee: Oh for the love of- [Grabs Dennis and drags him over.]  
Charlie: You think he’s in a better place?  
Mac: He’s almost certainly in Hell. [Charlie whines.] But! But Frank hated the cold.  
Dee: I think Hell suits his personality.  
Dennis: He… certainly is convincing. Getting someone to replicate his fingerprints like that.  
Dee: Dennis he’s dead.  
Charlie: Yeah, D E D. Dead.  
Dee: [Rolls her eyes.] It’s not a ruse or a prank or a scheme. He was a fat man with a million health problems. He’s dead Dennis.  
Mac: [Charlie leans on him.] Dude you reek. [Lightly shoves him away.]  
Charlie: Well I’m not going back to that apartment. It smells worse than I do. [He’s been in his pajamas for two days.]  
Dee: Yeah it’s not just the dead smell. Your clothes are like burning skunk garbage vomit. You need new stuff.

[The Salvation Army.]  
Charlie: Why do I have to stay outside!?  
Dee: Because you smell worse than the homeless man on the corner.  
Charlie: [Yells.] Alright fine! You better get me something cool!  
[The three go inside.]  
Dennis: Dee, you’re taking in Charlie. His place is clearly unlivable if he’s not going back.  
Dee: Aw come on!  
Mac: You lost at Not It! The law takes these pacts very seriously.  
Dee: I only have one bedroom!  
Dennis: You lost fair and square Dee. [Grabs a pair of sweatpants.] We’re not actually buying Charlie these things right?  
[All three look at each other before quickly shoplifting Charlie some clothes and running outside.]


	4. Chapter 4

[Dee’s apartment.]  
Dee: Okay, you get to stay on my couch Charlie.  
Charlie: Cool. [Goes to sit down. Dee grabs him and gags.] Hey!  
Dee: Shower. You have to [Gag.] shower first.  
[Dee shoves Charlie into the bathroom. He strips and tosses the clothes out to her. His shirt lands on her face and she throws up.]  
Montage:  
[Dee throws Charlie’s pajamas out.]  
[Charlie uses Dee’s loofa to scrub down. Everywhere.]  
[Dee is outside arguing with her landlord about the smell in the dumpster.]  
[Mac and Dennis’ apartment, Dennis is looking distraught.]

[Dee’s apartment.]  
[1:05 am.]  
[Charlie is sitting cross legged on Dee’s bed watching her sleep while he pets her cat.]  
Dee: [Dee turns over and wakes up.] SHIT!  
Charlie: Hey Dee.  
Dee: Charlie what the hell!  
Charlie: I can’t sleep man. I didn’t bring any glue and you only have dry cat food.  
Dee: Charlie stop eating catfood. And just… listen to music or something. Chug a beer. As long as you stop bothering me.  
Charlie: Can I sleep in here? [Dee groans.] I just haven’t slept alone in years man!  
Dee: Okay okay. Just stay on top of the sheets.  
[Charlie drags the blanket from the couch into Dee’s room. He’s sprawled out on top of most of the bed by morning. Dee has had a sleepless night.]

[Friday morning.]  
[Lawyer’s office.]  
Lawyer: I have gone over our father’s will. It seems he made many changes towards the end of his life. But, all of the changes are valid. Now, it seems he had a fair amount of money set aside in a foreign account.  
Dennis: See I told you Dee. He’s a crafty bastard.  
Lawyer. I can’t stress enough, again, that any and all changes that you find distasteful were made by Frank, not me. Can’t stress that enough.  
Dennis: Go on. Tell us what the “dead” man said.  
[The lawyer is confused.]  
Dee: Don’t mind him. It’s the most amazing case of denial I’ve ever seen.  
Mac: I think he tried to call Frank last night. He was leaving this really long message about how shitty he is for pranking us.  
Lawyer: Oh-kay. First. To my Fake Daughter [Dee shrieks.]. Again, not me. To my Fake Daughter Deandra Reynolds I leave a ten pound bag of bird seed and a case of expired cat food.  
Dee: Are you fucking serious?  
Lawyer: I imagine it used to be just a case of cat food, but he apparently had this saved for a while and all the cans have expired. I added that part. Don’t feed any of it to a cat.  
Dee: Goddamnit Frank.  
Mac: Haha, He’s calling you a bird from his grave!  
Lawyer: To my Fake Son Dennis Reynolds [Dennis leans in.] I leave Jack’s shit. Now, I am uncertain of his grasp of English, but in the will there is a clear apostrophe ‘s’, leading me to interpret that as literal shit from a man named Jack.  
Dennis: Goddamnit.  
Mac: Man your dad sucks.  
Lawyer: To a Mr. McDonald. [Mac corrects him, but he forges on.] Mr. McDonald will receive Mr. Reynolds’ boxing gloves-  
Mac: Yes! Score!  
Lawyer: -an envelope full of vouchers for free private karate lessons. [Mac’s face falls.] And a collection of workout VHS tapes he has referred to as ‘Old Women Stomach Burning Tapes.’  
Mac: [He’s looking around for something to flip. Puppy face.] Damn it.  
Dee: Doesn’t feel too good does it?  
Mac: Shut up bird. [His heart’s not in it.]  
Lawyer: To a Mr. Charlie Kelly. [Everyone perks up.] He refers to you as his “Real” Son, but the quotes are rather unnecessary, given the enclosed paternity test with the results “A Mr Frank Reynolds and a Mr Charlie Kelly share DNA consistent with Father and Son.”  
Charlie: He’s my real dad?  
Lawyer: That is what the test suggests. He has left you his remaining fortune [The rest of the gang revolts.] For the last time, it’s not my choice. His property, including Paddy’s Pub, and any possessions not already distributed. Provided you keep the advice of his accountant and me regarding any major sales or purchases.  
Charlie: What.  
Dennis: This is bullshit!  
Lawyer: Furthermore, he has set aside these envelopes for you to use immediately for various needs to make you less of a, as he puts it, ‘walking pile of garbage’. [He hands Charlie five envelopes. Clothes. Doctor. Teeth. Eyes. Hooker/Waitress.] Any you do not use goes to Deandra, provided she helps you with these tasks.  
Dee: Well shit I’m not gonna do all that. Go to hell!  
Lawyer: It’s not me telling you to do this! Please, all of you, leave! Please!

[Outside the lawyer’s office.]  
Dee: Charlie I am not doing this.  
Charlie: Oh come on Dee. I can’t do all this shit. I mean, there’s cloth-es? Uh… and this one here says I gotta go get hooked?  
Dee: Oh my God Charlie.  
Mac: That clearly says hooker slash waitress Charlie. Which, I don’t know what’s up with that.  
Dennis: Well you see Mac, the Waitress has slept with all of us but Charlie. Clearly Frank means that she is the hooker.  
Dee: But guys, Dennis, I can totally see Frank telling him to get a hooker to cheer him up.  
Dennis: That’s not gonna cheer Charlie up. I mean, Charlie, do you want to have to pay to have sex with someone?  
Charlie: Ugh guys I don’t know… You gotta go on a date and buy food and treat her nice. I don’t have money for food!  
Dennis: First, Charlie she’s a whore. You don’t even have to use your words, which you clearly don’t have in the first place, and second, you do have the money. That’s what all this is about! Because Frank is a bastard and decided that, what? You’re his ideal son? [Laughing brokenly.] Ridiculous.  
Dee: Right. Charlie hand me one of those. [Opens the clothes envelope. It’s full of cash.] Holy shit. Okay. Okay Charlie. I’ll help you do all this shit.

[Friday afternoon.]  
Montage:  
[Mac is pacing outside a karate facility. Pouting. He has a voucher in hand. Looks down, looks up. He crumples it up and throws it and walks away.]  
[Dee is at the dumpster behind her apartment tossing in the cat food. She has a clothespin on her nose.]  
[Dennis is sitting on the floor of his and Mac’s bathroom. Looking distraught.]  
[Charlie and Dee are seen walking inside the same Salvation Army Dee, Dennis, and Mac stole from.]  
[Mac runs over and picks up the crumpled voucher. He’s angry and swearing as he walks into the building.]

[Salvation Army.]  
Dee: Okay Charlie, you’re rich as balls so you could really buy everything here if you want.  
Charlie: I don’t know Dee, there’s a lot of stuff here. That’s way too much pressure.  
Dee: Well, Charlie, let’s start small. How about a sweater? Huh? They’re pretty nice.  
Charlie: Well, I don’t know Dee. See, it’s a sweater. Someone already sweated the hell out of that thing.  
Dee: Oh my… you go in the sewer Charlie! And it’s not sweaty because they washed it. That’s a thing people do.  
Charlie: I wash my clothes Dee.  
Dee: In the sink, Charlie? [He’s silent, but it’s obvious.] Just put your clothes with mine.  
Charlie: You’ll do my laundry? [Dee shrugs. ‘sure, why not’.] Cool man, that’s cool. Okay, okay. I’m still not sold on the sweater though.  
Dee: Well, Charlie, it has a lot of benefits. See, it’s been washed so it’s not gonna shrink.  
Charlie: I like that, I like that.  
Dee: It’s real soft, see? Feel this.  
Charlie: [Feels the sweater.] Man that is soft.  
Dee: Yeah and there’s more where this came from, because it’s cheap as shit here.  
Charlie: Is this how you guys always got clothes when you had money?  
Dee: Well, no, Charlie. We always got new stuff, but that’s not you right?  
Charlie: I don’t know, Dee. Frank wanted me to be all cool and rich, right? This feels kinda like normal.  
Dee: Poor?  
Charlie: Yeah, poor.  
Dee: Well, it’s um… see… [Charlie isn’t buying it.] Goddamnit. Fine. What do you want?  
Charlie: Well, there’s no envelope for a new place, and mine and Frank's is like…  
Dee: Horrible? Smelly?  
Charlie: The landlord said I can’t come back.  
Dee: So you’re doing what?  
Charlie: Well, you said I could stay with you.  
Dee: For a few days Charlie! My place is too small. [Her eyebrows go up.] But we could get a bigger place.  
Charlie: We?  
Dee: Yeah, Charlie. We can get a place together. Somewhere nice, and clean-  
Charlie: With a bathroom?  
Dee: Most places have those yeah, yeah we can get a bathroom. We’ll look into it yeah? We’ll do that later. Now what do you say, wanna go to the mall? No more shitty poor clothes for you Charlie.  
Charlie: Yeah! [Looks back at the sweater.] But that one is real soft.  
Dee: Well yeah, that’s a really nice sweater. Tell you what, [Dee put the sweater in her purse.] let’s go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I'm really happy so many people have already read this. The actual story is done, so it should be finished pretty quickly.


	5. Chapter 5

[Inside the karate facility.]  
[Mac is in his black belt ‘uniform’.]  
Mac: I’ve done karate for years.  
Sensei: Being a black belt is an honor. Surely someone of your skill would be able to demonstrate.  
[This guy clearly knows about Mac, likely from Frank, and knows he’s bullshit.]  
[Mac bows and begins doing his usual bullshit karate routine.]  
Sensei: Stop. Stop. Who was your teacher?  
Mac: Well… I’m more of a self taught guy.  
Sensei: It shows.  
Mac: [Incredibly happy.] Thanks!  
Sensei: It’s not a compliment. [Mac pouts. He’s about to yell back.] We’re going to start from the basics.

[Dennis is on the phone, leaving a message for Frank again.]

[Mall food court.]  
[Charlie is eating a pretzel as Dee drags him towards Macy’s.]  
Charlie: Dee I don’t know about this. It’s so fancy and shit.  
Dee: This is what Frank wants, Charlie. C’mon this’ll be great.

Montage:  
[Charlie makes a show of holding out a new horse shirt. Dee is shaking her head but Charlie gets angry and shoves it into the cart.]  
[Dee slips a pair of shoes into the cart when Charlie isn’t looking.]  
[Charlie shoves a bunch of striped shirts and polos to appease Dee.]  
[Dee slips some earrings into the cart.]  
[Charlie pulls his pants down to check the size before throwing some pants into the cart.]  
[Dee folds some shirts into the ones Charlie picked.]

[Dee and Charlie’s apartment.]  
Charlie: [Scratching his head.] I don’t remember picking out girl stuff.  
Dee: I just grabbed a couple things, Charlie. No big deal. It was gonna go to me anyway and I mean, come on, [Holds up a shirt.] think how hot I’m gonna look in this.  
Charlie: This feels like a lot of stuff, Dee. I’ve never had this many clothes.  
Dee: Well, that’s because you were poor before, Charlie.  
Charlie: I still don’t see why I need this many. I can fix the ones that tear easy.  
Dee: [Ignoring Charlie.] Now that that’s done we need to get you some appointments. Gross.  
Charlie: [Stomping his feet impatiently.] Dee that sounds boring you do it.  
Dee: [Shakes her head.] No way Charlie. This is your body not mine.  
Charlie: But I’m terrible on the phone Dee! They’re all like, how can we help you today, and I’m like, uh uh doctor. And then they’re all like, what kind of doctor and I panic! There’s too many doctors Dee!  
Dee: Okay, okay Charlie calm down. Fine. Fine, I’ll make the appointments.  
Charlie: Phew, you’re a lifesaver Dee. I mean, just thinking about those calls made me all sweaty. [Holds his arms up. His pits are soaked.]  
Dee: Gross! Ugh, here, [Hands him the Hooker/Waitress envelope.] you can go do this one while I make the calls.  
Charlie: But Frank wanted you to-  
Dee: I’m not gonna help you stalk the Waitress.  
Charlie: Fine, fine. But if you change your min-  
Dee: Go!

[The Waitress’ apartment.]  
[Charlie’s holding a shopping bag.]  
Charlie: You better be right about this Frank.  
[Charlie knocks and the Waitress cracks the door open.]  
Waitress: What do you want Charlie?  
Charlie: Oh, um… I wanted to tell you Frank’s dead.  
Waitress: Oh, yeah, I saw a thing in the paper.  
Charlie: Yeah. And it turns out he was my dad.  
Waitress: [Had been shutting her door. She stops.] I thought he was Dennis and Dee’s dad.  
Charlie: He’s like, their fake dad or something. See, their mom got it on with a full-on-rapist and boom. Twins.  
Waitress: Oh my God.  
Charlie: And Frank had a one night stand with my mom. The abortion didn’t take and you have me.  
Waitress: Wow… um…  
Charlie: He gave his shit to me I guess. Some smart dude manages it all.  
Waitress: Well, that’s probably best Charlie. You’re kind of stupid with money.  
Charlie: Hah, yeah I guess so.  
Waitress: Um, sorry about your dad I guess.  
Charlie: Thanks. [He turns to leave.] Oh! Almost forgot! Here!  
Waitress: [Takes the bag from Charlie.] What is this?  
Charlie: It’s the vitamins I put in your shampoo.  
Waitress: Why?  
Charlie: Well, then you know I’m not in your bathroom when you’re not at home. Frank uh, he gave me some advice and… [Looking bashful.]  
Waitress: Wow that’s, actually pretty nice of you Charlie. Thank you.  
Charlie: Yeah?  
Waitress: Yeah.  
[Charlie nods and turns to leave.]  
Waitress: Hey Charlie?  
Charlie: Hm?  
Waitress: I… could maybe… drop it to 25 feet. As long as you stay out of my bathroom.  
Charlie: Really? [Excited] Yeah, yeah okay great!  
Waitress: I’ll make it 100 feet again if I find out you went in my bathroom again.  
Charlie: Yeah, okay! [Charlie skips down the block.]

Montage:  
[Dee is angrily growling at her phone as she makes appointments for Charlie.]  
[Charlie outside a florist shop pointing to a ‘for rent’ sign in the upper window.]  
[Mac ecstatic when he successfully does a karate move for the first time.]  
[Dennis bartending with a faraway stare.]

[Monday morning.]  
[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Charlie and Dee walk in together.]  
Dee: Guess who’s going to a dentist boners.  
Mac: Dee we don’t care about your bird teeth. Dennis is freaking me out.  
[Dennis is resting his forehead on the bar.]  
Dee: Weird. And it’s Charlie, not me. Whoever Frank saw for his shit gets things done. He’s already got all his appointment shit this week.  
Charlie: Yeah, a dentist and a doctor and the… eye person.  
Mac: Jesus that’s gonna cost a lot.  
Dee: No shit Mac. Frank’s note said he already had Charlie added to his insurance. Lucky bastard has better coverage than me and Dennis.  
Charlie: I can’t believe you and Dennis feel like this all the time.  
Dennis: I don’t feel. [He never lifts his head. Mac whines.]  
Charlie: Jesus dude, it’s not like your dad died or anything. You guys always said Frank was a shitty father.  
Dee: You’re right Charlie. I’m surprised at how well you’re doing with all this.  
Charlie: Oh I just cry in the shower.  
[Awkward silence.]  
Mac: Does it help?  
Charlie: Oh yeah man. I feel great during the day and I’m busy with the money and the bar and shit.  
Mac: Maybe you should cry Dennis.  
Dennis: Frank’s just being elaborate. I won’t let him win.  
Dee: Not this shit again.  
Dennis: You know how crafty he is Dee! [Red eyes. Angry pointing.] Can’t let him win. Can’t sleep, not till I prove he’s faking!  
Dee: Yeah okay. Think whatever you want Dennis.  
Charlie: Dude, if you’re having trouble sleeping just share a bed with Mac. It works like a charm with me and Dee.  
[Mac’s face lights up. Dennis scowls at him.]  
Dee: Yeah no, sharing a bed with Charlie is shit. [Close up on Dee’s face. She’s clearly exhausted.]  
Charlie: Think about it man.  
Dennis: Charlie it sounds kind of gay. [Uncaps a beer and takes a long drink.]  
[Mac looks conflicted.]  
Charlie: Only if you do gay stuff dude.  
Dennis: [Drops his beer when he tries to set it down.] Ugh, Charlie.  
Charlie: No way dude.  
Dennis: Pardon?  
Charlie: I own the bar. I don’t have to do jack shit if I don’t want.  
Dee: That’s Charlie work.  
Charlie: Well, not anymore.  
Dennis: I knew this would happen. [Face in his hands.]  
Dee: Who do you think is gonna do it Charlie?  
Charlie: Well, you have to give me a ride pretty soon so… not you?  
Dee: Good point. Later boners. [They leave the bar.]  
[Mac and Dennis are dumbfounded.]  
Mac: What just happened?  
Dennis: Dee left the Charlie work to you is what happened. She’s trying to piggyback off Charlie’s new wealth.  
Mac: We gotta stop this.  
Dennis; Once Frank come back things’ll be back to normal. [Mac looks very concerned.] Don’t look at me like that.  
Mac: Frank is dead Dennis. I mean, he’d have to be, because if he wasn't I’d kill him for implying I’m not a badass karate master.  
Dennis: There are so many things I could say.  
Mac: No really! I’ve been honing my skills in case, you know, in case you’re right about Frank.  
Dennis: Really? [Mac nods vigorously.] Thank you Mac. It’s a nice sentiment.  
Mac: [Doesn’t realize he’s being insulted.] You know me.  
Dennis: Oh I do.


	6. Chapter 6

[Dentist waiting room.]  
[Charlie can be heard shouting from his exam room.]  
Charlie: Fuck that hurts!  
[A dental hygienist approaches Dee.]  
DH: Excuse me, you’re friends with the shouting man, aren’t you?  
Dee: What. [Flipping through an old magazine.]  
DH: Mr. Kelly, in exam three? Can you please come back and calm him down?  
[Dee groans and follows the DH.]  
[Charlie is agitated and toothpaste is dribbling down his chin.]  
Dee: Charlie what the hell.  
Charlie: This sucks Dee! This sucks really really hard!  
Dee: What does?  
DH: We’re just brushing and flossing.  
Dee; Just give the guy some of the gas.  
DH: That’s not normal proto-  
Charlie & Dee: [Chanting.] Gas! Gas! Gas! Gas!

[Later that evening.]  
[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Charlie is drooling while sitting at the bar.]  
Mac: Jesus Charlie what happened?  
Charlie: [Muttering.] Gas gas gas… [Sucks in spit.]  
Dee: Those bitches gave Charlie’s mouth an overhaul. Some root shit and cavities all over the place. Gave him the good gas to get him to shut up.  
Mac: Jesus. How much more doctoring stuff you got Charlie?  
Charlie: Eyef… an’ [Gestures to all of him.]  
Mac: Maybe I should go to the eye place with Charlie.  
Dee: There’s nothing to get high off of there. And whatever, eyes are last. Why not go to the doctor with him?  
Mac: No way. You’re the one that has to make him feel better when they tell him his body is a piece of shit. Eyes are safe, and you’re not giving him some girly pair of hipster glasses.  
Charlie: Mac… eyes. [Slurp.]  
Mac: You heard the man. Dee gets to do the Charlie work on Friday and I’ll take him to get his eyes fixed.  
Dee: Goddamnit! Charlie what about the note? Frank trusts me to-  
Mac: Blah blah tweet tweet pbbt. Shut up Dee Charlie wants me there.  
Charlie: No girl… [Slurp.] glassus.  
Mac: You heard the man?  
Dee: Fine, fine I’ll do Charlie work on Friday. Goddamnit Charlie.

[Monday night.]  
[Dennis and Mac’s apartment.]  
Mac: But Dennis you’re not sleeping right.  
Dennis: We’re not sharing my bed Mac. I’m a grown- we’re both grown men. There’s no reason my strong willpower can’t overcome this little bout of poor sleep.

[Tuesday morning to evening.]  
[Everything around Dennis is moving in fast forward. He’s exhausted.]

[Tuesday night.]  
[Mac and Dennis’ apartment.]  
[Mac forces his way into Dennis’ room.]  
Mac: We’re doing this whether you want to or not.  
Dennis: Jesus Mac I’m not a date that didn’t put out.  
Mac: What’s this got to do with putting out? I’m just trying to force you into bed with me.  
Dennis: Because that sounds so much better. [Mac puppy eye pouts.] Goddamnit Mac. Go put on pajamas.  
Mac: Really? Awesome. [Bear hugs Dennis before scampering to his room.]  
Dennis: I’ve made a huge mistake.

[Wednesday morning.]  
[6:44 am.]  
[Mac and Dennis’ apartment.]  
[Dennis opens his eyes. He looks well rested.]  
[Pan out.]  
[Mac is spooning behind him.]  
Dennis: Well, this was predic… God damn morning wood. [Dennis leans up on his elbow and turns. Mac is a fierce cuddler.] Jesus Mac wake up.  
[Mac’s eyes open, still looking tired. He smiles at Dennis. Dennis rolls his eyes. Mac leans in and Dennis shoves a hand over his face.]  
Dennis: This is exactly why I didn’t want this to happen.  
Mac: I was just saying good morning! [Has rolled away. Very defensive.]  
Dennis: Yeah with your lips. God Mac.  
Mac: No! No! It wasn’t like that! [Mac’s sitting up. Scooting off the bed.]  
Dennis: Then how was it Mac?  
Mac: I was gonna whisper!  
Dennis: Oh, a nice ‘good morning Dennis’ in my ear? [Dennis groans after glancing at his phone.] It’s way too early. [Dennis lies back down with the blankets over his head.] Do what ever you want as long as you keep your hands to yourself.  
[Mas is crawling back under the covers.]

[Doctor’s office.]  
[10:05 am.]  
Dee: We’re already late Charlie, no peeing.  
Charlie: I gotta go man!  
Dee; They probably want your pee you dumbass.  
Charlie: Gross! Who wants someone else’s pee?  
Dee: Well, you probably have some STDs Charlie.  
Charlie: How do you get that?  
Dee: Oh my God from sex Charlie!  
Charlie: Oh, right, sex. Yeah, I’ve done that. [Doubtful.] Got all the STDs in my day.  
Dee: Whatever. [To the receptionist.] Hey he’s late and he has to wiz.  
Receptionist: I’ll get a sample cup. You’ll also need these forms filled out.  
[The receptionist places a lidded cup on the counter.]  
[Charlie grabs the cup, unzips, and starts peeing into the sample cup.]  
Dee: [Shrieks.] Charlie in the bathroom!  
Charlie: [Places the full cup on the counter.] Thanks a bunch man!  
[Receptionist and other patients look horrified.]

[Mac and Dennis’ apartment.]  
[11:14 am.]  
[Dennis and Mac are facing each other but not touching.]  
[Mac wakes first. He starts watching Dennis sleep.]  
[Dennis wakes up after an uncomfortably long time of camera on Mac watching him sleep.]  
Mac: Good morning Dennis.  
Dennis: Oh God. [Disgust.] How long were you watching me sleep?  
Mac: What? Dude, no, I was just watching your back. You know, keep you safe.  
Dennis: Right.  
Mac: I guess we should go open the bar.  
Dennis: [Shrugs.] Nah, those drunks can go without until tonight.  
Mac: So what do you want to do? [Dennis shrugs.] Oh, I know! I think we should, uh… [Panic. Mac looks left and right.] Have breakfast in bed?  
Dennis: While I’m pretty sure that wasn’t your original idea I think I’ll let it slide because breakfast in bed sounds like a great plan.  
Mac: Great! What do you want?  
Dennis: Well, what I want and what I’ll ask for are different, since I know your skill level in the kitchen. [Mac frowns.] I suppose waffles sound alright.  
Mac: Awesome. [Mac starts leaning towards Dennis but catches himself.] I’ll, uh, go make that.  
[Mac leaves the room.]  
Dennis: Idiot.

[Doctor’s office.]  
[1:09 pm.]  
Doctor: We have all your results, Mr. Kelly.  
Charlie: Cool.  
Dee: What’s the damage doc?  
Doctor: Well, Charlie you have a minor case of gonorrhea.  
Charlie: What’s that?  
Doctor: That’s a condition-  
Dee: Waitaminute doc, that’s it? He’s a glue huffing alcoholic.  
Doctor: I do recommend you try to stop huffing chemicals, and drop to three servings of alcohol a day if quitting is not an option.  
Charlie: So if I get, like, a pitcher of beer served to me…?  
Doctor: That’s far more than one serving.  
Charlie: Yeah but they’re only serving it one time.  
Dee: He has a point doc. Also how is he not dying?  
Doctor: Mr. Kelly you’re strangely healthy for someone with your vices. Just try to exercise more and cut back on high cholesterol foods. [He hands Charlie a prescription slip.] This will clear up the STI.  
Charlie: Cool, thanks doc. Say, why did you want my pee so bad?  
[Doctor looks to Dee helplessly. She shrugs.]

[In Dee’s car.]  
Dee: Charlie are you an immortal?  
Charlie: No?  
Dee: Do you know what that is? [Charlie shakes his head.] Are you gonna live forever Charlie?  
Charlie: I don’t know. How long is that?  
Dee: For the… until everyone you know has been dead a long time.  
Charlie: Man that sucks. I hope I’m not immoral.  
[Dee doesn’t correct him.]

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[7:23 pm.]  
[Dennis and Mac enter.]  
[Charlie is sitting at the bar with Dee.]  
Dee: There you dickholes are.  
Mac: We just hung out!  
Dee: O… kay? Well, you’re not gonna believe Charlie’s diagnosis.  
Dennis: He really has cancer this time? [Dee shakes no.]  
Mac: AIDS? [NO.]  
Dee: Gonorrhea.  
Dennis: And?  
Dee: Nope. No and. God damn bastard is pretty healthy.  
Dennis: How is that even possible?  
Mac: Yeah Charlie does the worst shit to his body.  
Charlie: It’s true I treat myself like shit. You should a seen my teeth.  
Mac: Worse that shit. And I have and they were disgusting.  
Dennis: Way worse. I’ve seen him eat paint. It probably had lead.  
Dee: Yeah, no. Just gonorrhea.  
Charlie: And who knows how long that’s been there.  
Mac: You Goddamn bastard. I bet you’re sucking the life out of us. First Frank. Who’s next Charlie? Who! [Angry flexing.]  
Charlie: Uh…  
Dee: And how is he sucking the life out of us Mac?  
Mac: Well, Dee, if you must know. He probably just gets up in there and sucks.  
Dee: Uh huh. Is that how you would do it? Just get up in there?  
Mac: Well, see I would go for the source of life in the body.  
Dennis: The heart?  
Mac: No no, the true place where all life must originate from.  
Dee: So you’re gonna blow your way to immortality?  
Charlie: I’m confused is Mac gonna try and blow me?  
Mac: The soul! I’d suck out the soul!  
Dee: I haven’t heard it called that before.  
Charlie: Now, are you on your knees?  
Dennis: No, Charlie, the person has to be vulnerable to bare the soul. Obviously the sucker is on top while the suckee is lying down. It may even be a reciprocal soul sucking if both are feeling particularly vulnerable.  
Charlie: Ah I get it! [Nodding.]  
[Mac is angrily stomping around until he gets a beer.]  
Charlie: Don’t be so angry man. I bet Dennis would let you practice sucking his soul.  
[Mac chokes on his beer.]

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Friday, 11:27 am.]  
Dee: Hey, Mac, Charlies thing is in like, a half hour.  
Mac: Thing… Thing…  
Charlie: My eyes dude!  
Mac: Oh! Right! Wanna come Dennis?  
Dennis: Sure. [Drops what he’s doing and comes out from behind the bar.]  
Dee: Goddamnit you guys! Don’t leave me all alone!  
Dennis: Why? No one’s here. You’re just looking at apartments. Which aren’t even for you so…  
Dee: It’s cheaper to have roommates.  
Dennis: Sure, that’s the reason. Tell me, what neighborhood are you looking in?  
Dee: What neighborhood? You mean, what one to live in?  
Dennis: Yeah.  
Dee: Oh, you know, the… that one. Yeah.  
Dennis: That one.  
Dee: You know, the Washington Square one. No big deal guys.  
Dennis: Wow Deandra. I am shocked. No, wait, I’m not shocked. I’m appalled.  
Dee: Whatever Dennis. It’s a good neighborhood. Later boners.

[Outside.]  
Dennis: Are you actually planning on moving with Dee?  
Charlie: I don’t know man. Her cat keeps licking me. And I’m not even eating cat food.  
Mac: You don’t wanna live in a bird’s nest Charlie. [High-fives Dennis.]  
Charlie: And I’ve already got a new place near the Waitress.  
Dennis: Charlie when are you going to give up on that woman. She’s terrible.  
Charlie: No way dude! We’re at 25 feet now. Pretty soon she’ll say hi to me when I go to her job.

[Fade to optometrist.]  
[Charlie is squinting hard at the letters. He’s one foot away from the poster.]  
Charlie: You’re sure there’s letters here doc?  
Dennis: Why are you squinting Charlie?  
Charlie: That’s how you read dude. It’s like your eyelids catch the letters as they go in.  
Mac: That is not even close.  
Dennis: How blind are you Charlie?  
Charlie: I’m not blind dude. You’re the same blob you always are. [Silence.] What?  
Doctor: Try these on. [Gives Charlie a trial pair of glasses for farsighted people.]  
Charlie: [Puts them on.] Holy shit! Is this what you guys see all the time!?  
Dennis: This really explains the illiteracy.  
Charlie: Dennis do you have wrinkles?  
[Dennis starts hyperventilating.]  
[Mac snatches the glasses off Charlie’s face and breaks them.]  
Mac: Doc we can’t have him seeing it’s too dangerous. [He starts calming Dennis.] Dude you’re so hot he’s just a jackass.  
Dennis: I’m hot. [Gasping.]  
Mac: So hot dude.  
Charlie: So where do I get a pair like that? [Hundreds of glasses frames are behind Charlie.]

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[2:01 pm.]  
[Charlie has Newt-like hipster glasses.]  
Dee: How’d you get those so fast?  
Charlie: Oh these are fake. But I’m trying out the frames. Cool huh?  
Dee: Yeah sure. Where are Mac and Dennis?  
Charlie: Oh yeah, so I saw Dennis’ wrinkle and he freaked out.  
Dee: Cool. Wanna close the bar and go apartment hunting?  
Charlie: [Shrugs.] Sure, dude.


	7. Chapter 7

[Frank’s Funeral.]  
[Charlie is pulling on his tie.]  
Charlie: Dee, this thing is trying to choke me.  
Dee: Shh, Charlie, my God it’s your dad in there.  
Charlie: I know I know… but this thing is awful.  
Dee: Oh for the, here. [Loosens his tie.] Better Charlie? Better? My God you’re a child.  
Charlie: It’s better… Geez.  
Dennis: It’s fine Charlie. Ridiculous, having a funeral for a fake death.  
Mac: Dennis I thought you accepted he’s dead?  
Dennis: I’m sleeping better. No one said anything about me accepting Frank’s really dead. I mean come on, [Gestures to the closed casket.] how do we even know someone’s in there?  
Dee: Frank wanted it closed. And all the damn bridge people to attend. Charlie and Mac spent three days getting all the damn bridge people to choose a date.  
[The funeral is full of Duncan and his friends and the Gang.]  
Charlie: I don’t think we even found all of them.  
Mac: We got as close as we could Charlie. [Shrugging his shoulders.] I hate sleeves.  
Dee: Will you two stop?  
Dennis: This is preposterous. [Walks up to the casket.] Frank would want everyone to look at him, to admire what he’s done to his body over the years. [Flips up the casket lid.] Aha, he’s not even- oh God.  
[Frank is, in fact, in the casket.]  
Dennis: Oh, oh God…  
Mac: This isn’t good. [Shifting his weight back and forth on the balls of his feet.] Guys we gotta bail.  
Dee: Oh, oh we gotta bail? Because my brother’s losing his Goddamn mind at a funeral? You bail. Get him out of here!  
Mac: Dennis! [Rushes over to Dennis, who is dry heaving by the casket.] C’mon dude. You’re [Gags] Dennis man you’re gonna make me throw up [Gags.] if you keep heaving.  
[Mac rushes Dennis off, both nearly throwing up.]  
[Dee sympathy gags as they go by.]  
Dee: Well that sucked.  
Charlie: [Tugging at the tie.] Dee this thing is really bothering the hell out of me.  
Dee: Yeah Charlie? [He nods.] Well, you’re probably freaking out or something. Wanna go?  
Charlie: Get me outta this suit man. [Starts pulling off his jacket.]  
Dee: Well, at least, [Starts slapping at his hands.] stop it wait until we’re back at the apartment!  
Charlie: Get me outta this thing!

[Apartment rental office.]  
[Dee and Charlie are sitting at a table.]  
[Dee is signing papers.]  
Dee: And done! We have a new place Charlie!  
Charlie: Right. So, you’re the only one on the paper thing?  
Dee: Well your rental history is kind of eh, Charlie, so you’ll just give me half of the rent each month.  
Charlie: So you’re renting this place? No take backs?  
Dee: Why would I even want to? [Laughing.]  
Charlie: Cool, um, I’m actually already living near the Waitress so… [Dee’s face falls.] Enjoy your new place!  
Dee: Goddamnit Charlie! I can’t afford this alone!  
Charlie: Listen Dee I’d love to talk but the lawyer guy is helping me buy Waitress’ building to fix it up. Make the place clean and safe for her, you know? And he said it’s super cheap right now because of the crime.  
[Charlie leaves. Dee is shrieking at him as he goes.]

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
Dee: He dropped me Dennis. That God damned bastard left me with crazy rent and no money.  
Dennis: You were already piggybacking on his wealth. This was bound to happen eventually Dee.  
[Dee looks like shit. Stress and no sleep.]  
[Dennis, even after his freakout, is well rested.]  
Dee: I gotta get some more cash Dennis you don’t understand. I told my old landlord to fuck off and I don’t have a backup plan. Shit’s real. It’s real and it’s real bad.  
Dennis: You could always try selling drugs.  
Mac: I made a shitton in highschool selling to dumb rich kids.  
Dennis: You made a lot because you ratted out every other dealer.  
Mac: [Shrugs.] That’s business.  
Dee: I don’t know where to find the drugs to start with you dickholes.  
Mac: Maybe you could be a stripper. Or a prostitute.  
Dennis: Yeah, that could work. You could target gay men. You have a vagina, which they’ll hate, but you do have gigantic man hands so maybe you can provide them with a nice transition from what they’re used to.  
Dee: This is serious you assholes. Charlie ditched me and all Frank left me was a Goddamned bag of bird seed.  
Dennis: Here’s an idea. How about you lower the property value of your new place?  
Dee: Oh great idea Dennis. How am I supposed to do that?  
Dennis: Frank left you a shit ton of bird seed.  
Dee: [Nods.] You know, that’s not a bad idea. You’re way more helpful when you’re not dead on your feet Dennis.  
Dennis: Mac’s been forcing his way into my bed. I was resistant at first but it's really growing on me.  
[Mac drops his beer bottle and it shatters on the floor.]  
Dee: Wow. So it all comes out in the open huh?  
Mac: It’s not gay! We’re just sleeping!  
Dennis: Mac is a thorough cuddler.  
Mac: No! No I’m not! You’re the cuddler!  
Dennis: It’s definitely reciprocated.  
Dee: When you get married am I invited?  
Dennis: Absolutely not.  
Mac: There is no wedding! [Mac angrily karate chops a bottle across the bar.]  
Dee: Woah, somehow that didn’t suck.  
Dennis: That is, quite honestly, the best karate I’ve ever seen you do.  
Mac: [Completely placated.] Really?  
Dee: You’re using those karate lessons Frank left you.  
Mac: NO! [Yes.]

Montage:  
[Dee is on her roof spreading birdseed around.]  
[Charlie waves at the Waitress on his walk and she doesn’t look angry.]  
[Dee finds a package of cocaine in the birdseed bag.]  
Dee: Holy shit.  
[Mac is making a pleading puppy face at Dennis from his doorframe. Dennis rolls his eyes and waves him in.]

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Next morning.]  
Dennis: Where the hell is Charlie? This place is a dump.  
Mac: He’s not gonna do the work dude.  
Dee: Guys! [Running to the counter.] Guys, my wish was granted. [Bouncing.] Oh I knew Frank wouldn’t let me down.  
Dennis: What are you talking about?  
[Cut to cocaine sitting on the desk in the back office.]  
Mac: Holy shit.  
Dee: It was in the damn bird seed.  
Dennis: That’s a pound of drugs.  
Dee: It gets better. [She pulls out a letter.] He told me how much flour to blend in. More money for me bitches.  
Dennis: It’s a test. He’s testing us. I bet my inheritance is a riddle! Like a treasure hunt.  
Dee: What now? He left you Jack shit.  
Dennis: Jack’s shit. That could be anything! Like, like money or jewels. Priceless antiques. I need to find this Jack.  
[Dennis runs off.]  
Dee: Oh boy.  
Mac: I don’t like this Dee. Dennis is still super broken up about this whole Frank being dead thing.  
Dee: Yeah he’s always been super nuts.And he bottles up this shit hard. He’s probably losing it all over Philly right now.  
Mac: I’m gonna follow him.

Montage:  
[Dee is using her mixer to blend flour into her cocaine.]  
[Dennis walking under the bridge. Mac is watching from behind a tree.]  
[Dee fixing up some new bags for her drugs.]  
[Dennis talking with Charlie’s Uncle Jack.]  
[Dee parking her car at the docks.]  
[Dennis keeps seeing what he thinks is Frank ducking around corners and behind benches.]

[The docks.]  
Dee: Whoo, have I got stuff for you man. You’re Frank’s guy, right? [Man nods.] [Dee pulls out two pounds of cocaine/flour.] All yours. Now, uh, pay up.  
[Man pulls out a walkie talkie.] Move in.  
Dee: What. What do you mean move in oh, oh no no. Goddamnit Frank!  
[Dee fights back as the cops arrest her.]  
Dee: You sons of bitches! It was Frank! Frank!

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
Dennis: [Papers are strewn around him. Many are crumpled and have messy writing all over them. He’s jittery.]  
Mac: You okay dude?  
Dennis: It’s so clear. So very clear to me Mac. He’s not leading me to a treasure. Oh. No. He’s leading me to him.  
Mac: For the last time, Frank is dead dude.  
Dennis: No, see, that’s what he wants us to think. I knew it all along! [Laughing turn sobbing.]  
Mac: [Goes in for a manly bro-hug.] You’re freaking me out dude.  
Dennis: I’ll prove it! [Laughing again.] I’ll go find him, dude, Mac. This is his best work. [Claps his hands on Mac’s ears. Shouts excitedly. Kisses Mac before he can react and runs out of the bar.]  
[Mac is stunned. He’s touching his mouth when Charlie walks in with a cat carrier.]  
Charlie: Hey dude, you’re not gonna believe this.  
Mac: We didn’t kiss!  
Charlie: Uh, okay. No, no dude listen. Dee got arrested!  
Mac: What!?  
Charlie: Yeah! She wanted me to bail her out but that’s a shit ton of money dude! My money guy would never go for it! So I said no and she tried to attack me! They took her away somewhere. Dude, she’s in deep.  
Mac: Shit dude. [Points to the carrier.] Why do you have this?  
Charlie: Oh, it’s Dee’s cat, but he’ll die before she gets out. And he likes me. [Charlie looks confused.] Who didn’t you kiss?

[Hospital hallway.]  
[Dennis is stalking down the hall. He knocks on Frank’s doctor’s office.]  
Doctor: Yes?  
Dennis: Hey doc. [Doctor: I don’t have an appointme-] You were my father’s doctor.  
Doctor: I’m a doctor for a lot of people.  
Dennis: Did he pay you to say it?  
Doctor: Say what?  
Dennis: He’s not really dead! Frank Reynolds! I know he paid you what was it? Drugs? Money? Women? … Men?  
Doctor: [Picks up his phone and presses a button.] Can I get security to my office?  
[Pan away as Dennis lunges at the doctor.]


	8. Chapter 8

[Three months later.]  
Mac: Charlie how long is this going to take?  
Charlie: Not long Mac I told you. We just gotta talk to my guy out here.  
Mac: Good. Because Dennis gets real upset when I don’t visit every day.  
Charlie: He’ll be fine, dude. This is like, we're only here just as long as you want to be okay?  
Mac: What? That makes no sense dude. And why are we out at the marina? And why couldn’t this wait until after I went to Dennis?  
Charlie: He’s been waiting all day man this is important.  
[Charlie knocks on the side of a yacht.]  
Charlie: C’mon man we’re waiting out here!  
Mac: What is this Charlie?  
[Familiar voice]: Hold your horses!  
Mac: Charlie?  
[A door opens and Frank high fives Charlie.]  
[Mac’s mouth falls open.]  
Frank: Charlie, how ya been?  
Charlie: Pretty good Frank pretty good. You know the Waitress-  
Mac: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?  
Charlie: It’s Frank dude.  
Mac: WHAT?  
Frank: Stop making a scene, Mac.  
Charlie: Yeah Mac people live out here you’re disturbing the peace.  
Mac: What- but- but you- dead. And… and-  
Frank: Just get in here. I got some burgers on the grill.  
Mac: No! What the hell is going on here!? Why are you alive?  
Frank: I faked it.  
Mac: WHAT?  
Charlie: It’s this whole thing dude.  
Mac: You knew!?  
Charlie: Yeah the whole time. [Shrugs.] It was Frank’s idea.  
Frank: Get your ass in here.  
Charlie: C’mon man you’re making an ass of yourself.  
Mac: Oh, oh I’m making an ass of myself. [Goes up the steps into the yacht.] Unbelievable.  
[Charlie and Mac sit in some reclining deck chairs.]  
Frank: Who wants a double decker?  
Mac: No! No no, tell me what the hell is going on!  
Charlie: It’s really simple Mac.  
Frank: It’s true. I faked my death.  
Mac: Why?  
Frank: I had to. See, I’m leaving all my shit to Charlie-  
Mac: Wait that’s real too?  
Frank: Yeah. Charlie's my guy.  
Charlie: Yeah, see, Frank’s totally gonna have a heart attack in like, two years.  
Frank: And those two assholes would’ve pulled the plug right away.  
Charlie: Or tricked me out of the money. It was only a matter of time.  
Mac: Wait… wait this is way too familiar.  
Charlie: Oh yeah, it’s why we got married. But dude, it’s totally working out this time. We found Frank’s benefit!  
Frank: Charlie’s got all my shit. And I got a boat.  
Mac: That makes no sense!  
Frank: It makes perfect sense!  
Charlie: Yeah, see, Frank gets to live out here on the yacht. It’s all private and quiet unless Frank throws a party.  
Frank: I gotta lay low. A bunch of my old business partners are in jail because I ‘anonymously’ tipped off the police so their stock would plummet. Then I fixed up the companies acts and boom! Now I’m richer than ever! Well, Charlie is.  
Charlie: But I’m so dumb with money man.  
Frank: So my accountant relays me all his ideas. I veto most of them.  
Charlie: It’s nice to be heard though, you know? He did let me buy the Waitress’ building.  
Frank: Place was an absolute shithole, but cheap as hell. And Charlie’s lady is all safe with the doorman keeping bums out of the hallways. [He flips the burgers.] Anyway, if all my enemies think I’m dead, there’s no one to kill!  
Mac: Isn’t there Charlie?  
Frank: Ha, like I would make my successor public knowledge. For all they know my money went to charity and the companies to the CEOs.  
Charlie: I’m not living rich dude. I mean, I love having a bathroom but all that fancy shit isn’t for me.  
Mac: But… but you were dead. We saw you in the hospital. And the funeral. And in the bed!  
Frank: I got a guy.  
Mac: A guy?  
Frank: Yeah, a corpse guy. Real good with his work.  
Charlie: That’s really misleading, see, he has this guy, bridge guy, [Mac nods.] and he’s seen a lot of dead people or something? I don’t know.  
Frank: Don’t knock him, he does quality work. Fooled those idiots.  
Mac: Hey! What about the lawyer? And doctor? The cops?  
Frank: Lawyer was in on the plan, doctor paid, cop who knows. Probably thought it was the real deal.  
Mac: But… but Charlie was freaking out.  
Frank: Kid’s a natural. A little melodramatic at first, but you all bought it right away.  
Charlie: I’m a dramatic guy.  
Mac: That’s one way to put it. [Shakes his head.] I can’t believe Dennis was right. You drove him crazy!  
Frank: He was already crazy, Mac. I’ve been trying to make him crack for years. Kid needs therapy bad, and now he gets it all the time.  
Charlie: And that lawyer guy got his chair things all gotten rid of.  
Mac: His what?  
Frank: The bench warrants. Kid can see but he’s still an idiot. [Charlie shoves up his glasses.] Dennis’ lawyer tied them in, claimed it was a sign of his mental illness. Worked like a charm.  
Mac: But he doesn’t need therapy.  
Frank: Yes he does, you idiot. Forget all that talk about sissy therapy, that shit gets real. Maybe they’ll unscramble his brains, maybe not. Either way, no jail. You know what happens to people in jail?  
Charlie: Yeah, they become Dee’s bitch. Holy shit Mac I saw her a week ago. She pierced her eyebrow right in front of me!  
Mac: With what!?  
Charlie: I don’t know! I think she made it from her toothbrush! She didn’t even flinch man, she’s hardcore now.  
Mac: The caged bird got hardcore.  
Charlie: Jailbird.  
[They all laugh.]  
Frank: [Slaps Charlie on the back.] Charlie, watch the burgers. [Charlie mans the grill while Frank enters the cabin.]  
Mac: [Stops laughing.] I just can’t believe you did that Charlie.  
Charlie: It was Frank’s idea.  
Frank: Who wants champagne? [Pops the cork into the water.] It’s about time we got to celebrate our success.  
Mac: I feel real bad about Dennis though.  
Frank: Stop that. You visit him every day.  
Mac: How did you-?  
Frank: Bribed a nurse for his visitation log. Thought about visiting him myself.  
Mac: No way! He finally accepts that you’re dead! He’ll think he lost it again!  
Charlie: Look at the bright side dude. Dennis isn’t in jail, you always know where he is, which with your weird check in thing is like, a gift from God.  
Mac:He does like it when I visit.  
Frank: See? It all worked out great. Dennis has his therapy, Charlie isn’t full of diseases and shit anymore.  
Charlie: I had no idea I felt like absolute shit like, all the time dude.  
Frank: You’re taking karate from my buddy.  
Mac: No!  
Charlie: C’mon man, we know it’s true.  
Mac: Okay, fine. But only because things have changed recently! I’m just upgrading!  
Charlie: Sure sure. We believe you.  
Mac: [Pouts. Accepts a burger.] So are you really Charlie’s dad?  
Charlie: Dude there was a parent test-  
Frank: Naw I faked that.  
Charlie: What?  
Frank: I never got the test. Lawyer was already in on it, why not tack on more lying?  
Charlie: So, you’re not my dad?  
Frank: Charlie, a dumb piece of paper isn’t gonna change a thing. You’re like a son to me, the better one. I don’t care about some dumb blood connection. We got good vibes going.  
Charlie: Wow, thanks Frank. That’s pretty cool dude.  
Frank: You’re welcome. [Clinks his glass with Charlie.]See Mac? Everything worked out great for everyone.

[Flash to the mental hospital. Mac and Dennis are leaning against each other sitting on a couch.]

[Prison.]  
[Dee is strangling a guard. Stoic face. Single tear rolls down.]

[End theme.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's more where this came from.


End file.
